Spaniel for Two

The Virgin Suicides

2010-11-05T08:49:00.003-04:00

Totally good and Gothic. Teenage woes at their most electrifying! You'll scream with woe.

Slick but detailed, this one's hard to put down - or at least easy to pick up. Way better than Middlesex. Thanks for asking.

Middlesex. Book report by Chris Yarrison. Thank you.

2010-10-23T16:14:00.003-04:00

Great book, if you're a sexual pervert. Highlights: incongruous genitals; incest.

Actually very good. Unique, except for the chatty narrative, which sometimes wanders out into crisp, beautiful prose. And I'm not a fan of the epic multi-generational family saga thing, to be honest. No one investigates a murder. No cowboys have an adventure in Mexico.

A young girl finds out she's a boy. There. That's it.

Still I'm compelled to explore Eugenides' slimmer debut, The Virgin Suicides, before moving along with my promised reading list.

Oh no no

2010-10-17T18:45:00.000-04:00

Mr. T hates T-bills:

Why, oh why?

2010-10-13T02:35:00.001-04:00

The Daily Wiley

2010-09-22T10:22:00.003-04:00

"Chris, we just listened to the Decline. We have to talk." - Message from Wiley last night (after song by Annie, "We love Chris and he loves you, giggle, giggle," bravo, and did I hear Ben in the background? I did, didn't I.)

It is normal to want to talk to someone you're close to after listening to NOFX's 1999 EP - which, as I'm sure you all know, is just one really long song that rules.

Miles and I once listened to it over and over again on our way to the beach, in the limpid summer sunshine, long before the breaking point. (The breaking point came at 5 am when we decided we were too tired not to not leave and left and had to sleep in an empty parking lot.)

Anyway, did it give you some ideas, Wiley? Do you want to learn to play trombone? Do you want to listen exclusively to late 90's punk and ska from now on? You've heard everything else and there's nothing better? No Use for a Name? The Dead Milkmen? LAGWAGON?!?!?! Greg Graffin's new book, Anarchy Evolution: Faith, Science, and Bad Religion in a World without God?

Tell me. I support you always. For now:

Inspector Krevin

2010-09-11T01:04:00.004-04:00

Our undercovers dick has unearthed some serious blogs. Why is there a conspiracy of silence on these?

hussey Leo: great attic, great art.

Voms I Have Known TOM OPALAK?!?!

Also, I like Chocolate Bicycle, from Annie's blog.

And my own seacret: Langer!

So many good blogs! I hope they add more hours to the day soon, it already takes me a week to read the morning news.

Broken Prhombus

2010-09-08T23:59:00.002-04:00

Oops! Everyone, I forgot I promised the famous online director of the hippest wedding magazine, The Knot, that I'd read Middlesex at some point, so that's what I'm going to do before getting to your borrowed books. It'll give me an excuse to call him and harass him.

The angry unemployed of the 1930s

2010-09-07T10:00:00.001-04:00

A long one but a good one from the International Socialist Review:

The Unemployed Movement of the 1930s

Some inspiring history, especially if you've spent the past few years profoundly underemployed and wondered what the hell a person is supposed to do about it. There may still be time to form "unemployed councils" to agitate, say, for extended benefits, or, better, for a real stimulus that creates jobs instead of going straight into employers' pockets. (Instead of spending, banks are hoarding, instead of hiring, companies are wringing higher productivity out of current employees.)

Note all the sectarianism on the left at the time, and the disgusting abuse of the Communist Party under Stalin's direction. Note also, though, how parties and groups ended up learning from the average people affected by the Depression, who became leaders themselves.

The movement catalyzed "a profound ideological shift regarding the unemployed," reversing the direction of blame for joblessness from the individual to society.

Looking at today, the author suggests, "Perhaps our generation’s defining struggle will be for health care...the climate may be ripe for 'under-insured councils.'"

There is in fact a March for Jobs in DC on October 2, that might be worth going to. It's crucial to think creatively, and realize that organized action can in fact win.

What do you say?

Books a-borrowed

2010-09-05T14:11:00.003-04:00

I have stacks of books that belong to other people, some abandoned, some still on loan, I think. Ben, you know what I'm talking about. Unfortunately, most of your books are back at my parents' house, safe in a box under the bed.

The point is, I'm going to read them, the ones I brought to NM with me. Then I'll let everyone know if they're any damn good:

Ben, I've already read The Thin Man, a rad detective novel - with about 100 movie spinoffs starring William Powell and Myrna Loy, all good - and The Marx Family Saga, which had, um, interesting punctuation.

City of Light, City of Dark, from Margaret Fleming. She lent this "comic-book novel" to me about 100 years ago, for some reason, and I think I'll go ahead and read it.

Two from Annie, who couldn't help but one-up her sister:

The Brooklyn Follies - more Auster, which is always good;

and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, a thriller by deceased Swedish Trotskyist Stieg Larsson. Pretty psyched.

The Known World. This one's from Danny, recommended to him by Eric. Did you even know I had this, Danny? I'll give it back to you if you give me back my Cuentos espanoles / Spanish stories Dover dual language book that you let Monica steal, goddamn you. Or my shitty little Oscar Wilde book, which I know you still have.

Lastly, The Orchard Keeper, actually a gift (I think?) from Sterling. The perfect thing to get me going back into some Cormac McCarthy I haven't read or want to reread.

First I have to finish my jaunt over F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's been a fruitful jaunt: The Great Gatsby still takes first, but Tender is the Night is coming up on it. And of course his short stories are witty and poetic.

Feel free to send me more of your books, or maybe just make recommendations. I promise to be a better book borrower from now on! So do your worst!

France: a new round of racism from Sarkozy

2010-09-03T21:20:00.005-04:00

I had meant to bring some attention to this a while back:

Widespread Support For Banning Full Islamic Veil in Western Europe Pew Research Center

In July the French national assembly passed the ban. I thought this was all pure political cynicism by a sad and isolated Sarkozy, but I guess the old imp had some support: 82%, in fact.

I'm sharing because the issue comes up surprisingly often out on the party circuit.

Note that 65% of Americans disapprove.

Well, back to Sarkozy's villainy. His pathetic argument for the full veil ban - women's rights, secularism, security - is belied by the fact that he's an authoritarian bigot. He's recently ordered round-ups of illegal Roma, breaking up camps and stirring up memories of the Nazis. This, after a riot in which police fired on and killed a Gypsy* youth, reminiscent of riots and police killings there in 2005 and 2007. In 2005 he referred to poor immigrants as "scum" and said he wanted to hose down their neighborhoods.

I'd love to argue one way or the other, but I can't see very clearly whether lowest common denominator politics have legitimized fringe xenophobia, or if that fear is a reaction to something else (possibly the economy). But something must account for that number: 82%! I mean, that hardly leaves enough room for the people affected by the ban plus those who you'd think would side with them! I think what we can tentatively predict, at least, is that those numbers don't bode well civil rights in France. The government almost has a mandate for things like Gestapo-style roundups and crackdowns, this Roma affair possibly representing the first of them.

Come on, France! Qu'est-ce qui se passe??

*Associated Press says 'Gypsy' (capitalized) or 'Roma'. Christian Science Monitor article does not capitalize, and the article says that, in France, 'Roma' refers to foreign Gypsies, 'travelers' to French Gypsies. I like to go with AP, but I have no idea what the Roma themselves would like to be called.

Drink or die!

2010-09-01T13:25:00.006-04:00

Perhaps some disappointing news: drinkers live longer than non, even heavy drinkers! Or it's cheering news, I don't know.

The study, by a University of Texas team, followed 1,824 oldish participants over 20 years. In that time, 69% of "never-drinkers" died, followed by 60% of heavy drinkers and 41% moderate.

Moderate drinking, by the way, is defined as having one to three drinks per day. Hey, does a fifth of whiskey count as "a drink?"

Death's sister is hot

2010-08-30T21:21:00.003-04:00

It's always important to read about sleeping:

"On a typical day, a third of the adults (34%) in the United States take a nap." Pew Research Center.

The numbers stay pretty constant across groups. Thought you should know! Go back to sleep now!

O! Blogs and Blogging

2010-08-29T13:36:00.002-04:00

Hello! I feel more posts coming on, but for now let me admit that I've felt like running and hiding from my blog the past few weeks. Every natural instinct has told me to take everything down and disappear, but I've fended the feeling off with distractions - books and a kitten.

There's so much to share. Too, too much, so let's all just chill out, and let me get organized.

If it's any consolation, I may have revived Science and Socialism. I've been wanting to write about fighter planes for a while, and I think I might have my chance. No word from Red Squirrel, but I've been keeping an eye out for animal news. Other than me having a kitten! Did I mention that??

In brief: got a kitten; got a raise; reading lots of fiction; thinking about stuff; cooking - we'll have to have a meatless sloppy joe's contest, fancy Kevin. Quitting smoking, sick of drinking. And, lastly, I have kitten, fuck yeah!

Landlord. Boss. Hero.

2010-07-29T20:04:00.004-04:00

Julie, I hope you don't mind me stealing this superlative photo of your father.

Let me tell you about Tom, artist, landowner, engineer. Fast Tom. Refloored my former residence. Put a bathroom in the party closet. You all know Tom and that infamous piece of property. 9 Tucker nearly killed us, you know. But Tom, hero to all, swooped in and fixed the furnace, which, had we been affluent enough to use it, would have spewed CO into our brains. Apparently it was jolted loose during a party in the basement, a source of infinite amusement to Tom.

Tom once worked 12 hours in the hot sun without taking a sip of water. His mustache has killed a man. I'm told he takes good pictures. With his handsome wife Terri, he's borne over one hundred daughters. He enjoys beer, Budweiser I think. Here's to you, Tom.

My pictureless photo essay

2010-07-28T21:54:00.004-04:00

I certainly never claimed to be a photographer, but I at least thought I had the pointing and shooting down. Well, looks like I'd have saved some time, trouble, and money if I'd have just chucked my two Rite Aid brand disposable cameras out the window somewhere along Highway 40. I took picture after picture of flat blurs framed by my car door.

Here's a quick tour with words of what I wanted to show in pictures to avoid conveying what I saw over 2100 miles of road in words.

Virginia: Virginia never never ends when you're going southwest. It has this big green tentacle reaching towards Tennessee. Not that you could tell either apart. Mountains or hills, covered in trees. Trees trees trees. I believe it's somewhere in this deciduous mess that there is a sign, which I scrambled to photograph, in vain, for "Troutville," right next to the exit for "Fincastle!" A little fishy fiefdom up in the hills.

Right around Memphis I stopped for the night, and had my greatest inspiration: I would write where I was on the hotel room's mirror and take a funny picture of myself. Well, I must have really done it up in Memphis because those photos are just plain missing from the pack. The ones from Amarillo are hazy and abstracted, and not worth a goddamn.

I took blurry pictures in Arkansas, in Oklahoma, in the Texas Panhandle, and couldn't snap them off fast enough between Albuquerque and Las Cruces. There were just beautiful rocks, piled up, fallen down, vast stretches and sudden peaks. Ghosts everywhere.

If you really want to see the pictures from my trip just shake your head all around and say "Oklahoma," or "mountains," or "desert." I'm here now, come visit and see all the pretty blurs for yourself.

Laughing all the way to hell

2010-07-09T15:25:00.001-04:00

On the way to see my favorite musicians, Sterling and Modest Mouse. Party!

Friends

2010-07-08T16:35:00.004-04:00

I have a lot of good friends. In fact I have the best friends out of anyone ever. I don't want any new friends. I don't even want to meet new people. I've already had to talk to too many strangers here in Las Cruces.

For instance, there's Eric. I saw Eric at El Patio - awesome terrible bar - and almost had eleven heart attacks before I realized I didn't recognize him from Annapolis: I recognized him from High Desert Brewery across town. We had a friendly chat outside and ended up at the same party. You see what I mean? It's already happening.

Eric works at High Desert with Matteo, who's a tough nut, but likable. Additionally, he is 2007ish Kevin Madsen. I'm talking glasses, beard, long hair, shitty restaurant job. Come on, Kevin, what are you doing out here? I might have fallen for it, but I mean, what the fuck kind of name is Matteo?

I'll omit some people for brevity's sake. In fact, along with Dwayne, they should get their own posts. But it's very important to mention Dwayne, or as I call him, "New Mexico Alec." I'm not sure what the resemblance is exactly, and of course Alec is way awesomer.

Anyway, Dwayne plays pool. Everyone here plays pool. I don't have a job. I think I'll start playing pool, gambling, and drinking during the day. Cheers!

2010-07-08T16:03:00.001-04:00

Pictures soon.

2010-07-08T12:48:00.004-04:00

Do you ever wish you were dead instead of cruising around on the internet? Well, you've only just begun to know what regret is. I'm broadcasting to you live from Las Cruces, New Mexico.

That's it for now.

- Chris

The Road

2010-05-31T05:32:00.003-04:00

Been plenty stressed out about the big move to New Mexico, which happens for real tomorrow. So I'm up at 5 am going over my route for the ten jillionth time. It is an excellent route, so I thought I'd share.

The overall schema takes me from Maryland to New Mexico via Virginia, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and, sadly, Texas - just the tip though. I insisted on skipping the West Texas bullshit that the usual route would have you put up with: hills and high winds, for a full fucking day. And this way I get to see what all the excitement's about in Oklahoma...!

The stops, also, are perfectly spaced, bolstering the already apparent perfection of my Plan (I'm referring to the plan: "Go to New Mexico; be with girlfriend; duh" - not my previous plan with all its fancy academic trappings and upstanding ambitions).

10 hours to Nashville, with its big neon guitar; 10 hours to Oklahoma City, tasteless joke, or awesome botanical gardens; 10 hours to Las Tumbleweeds. Further: stops in between, to rest my engine (my car's literal engine; I'm a machine that's going to be running on coffee, peanut butter, and speed metal), occur at Knoxville (skip Virginia, thank you), Memphis, Little Rock, Amarillo, and Albuquerque. Pretty awesome, right?

I have a stack of CDs that ought to make for 30 hours, at least, several flashlights, small tools (light weapons?), and badass shades.

I might not have private internet in New Mexico, but I know this won't be the last time we meet, dear reader: look to your heart, and my blog vanishes, for my blog was simply the mirrored beating of your secret heart and it was you yourself that laid it bare and I am but the crystal in the eyes of darkness.

What?

See you on Facebook.

Iced

2010-05-24T02:15:00.002-04:00

Marx, Engels, Grimm, and Grimm

2010-05-24T01:41:00.005-04:00

While trudging through a flimsy used copy of Grimm fairy tales that I got in Amsterdam a million years ago, it occurred to me the brothers were almost contemporaries of Marx and Engels. It looks like more of a scholar than myself will have to do the requisite digging in some musty Bohemian archive, but I'm tempted:

A dialectical materialist analysis of the celebrated folktales, jotted down in some tattered notebook by a sleepless Marx? A lively correspondence, a debate, about their political significance in mid-19th century Germany? Some fan mail from a young and eager Engels, stowed away and ignored in some publisher's ancient archives? A chance meeting on the streets of Hamburg?? A COUPLE OF BEERS??? A HEATED POLITICAL DEBATE AND FALLING OUT, ALL IN OLD NORSE?????

Tell me there's something out there. Look!

You guys should totally hang out!

"What?" and "New Mexico blog life"

2010-05-23T16:49:00.003-04:00

What? I have a blog. Welcome back everyone, if you were surprised to see "Spaniel for Two" blast to the top of Wiley's blog list and burst into your eyes, where have you been? You knew one day it would rise again like Lazarus defeating the Phoenix.

This concludes Part I.

Yesterday was my going away party, so many people showed up! It was good of you all to tell Wiley you were there to celebrate his graduation, since the party was at his house. Thanks Wiley!

Psych, congratulations Doctor Wiley, you climbed the veriest peak of academe like Ratatoskr the squirrel gaining the highest branches of the world tree Yggdrasil, to spread what nutshelled messages over Midgard as will only be known when the final sun sets on the eve of Ragnarok.

I'll see you at band practice.

And then I have to go to New Mexico, where as though burying my old Mid Atlantic self I will plant my one surviving cactus and cultivate many more, like the prickly new selves I'll invent to parcel out my sanity like the rationed desert water supply. Needless to say, I'm stoked.

Tentacular love

2010-02-14T14:03:00.003-05:00

Tentacular love:
just an octopus and his
octoprostitute.

Child of God

2010-02-10T13:32:00.003-05:00

by Cormac (born Charles) McCarthy. One of the best books I've ever picked up and put down. A gift from Sterling no less. What I did was I threw something at my stack of books and it hit Child of God so I read it. He's so nonchalant when he reveals the horrible things that have been going on throughout the book that you basically just take it in stride and even laugh at some of them. An experience.

Fine, snow

2010-02-02T10:19:00.003-05:00

Today's weather: wintry with a chance of blogging.

It's been a month. What have I been doing? Very important things. Did I miss anything? Nope. Howard Zinn died. Haiti something something. Book club proceeds apace. Each in its turn.

Very important things

The restaurant whose dishes I tend to closed for most of January, so I slept a good deal, drank some, helped Beth move to New Mexico, went broke, and went back to work where my dishes were waiting. Eric told me about a book by Robert Heinlein in which a fellow named Job travels between universes getting work washing dishes. An inspiration to me.

Let me clarify that generally when you wash dishes you are washing dirty dishes. Rarely do you wash clean dishes.

Howard Zinn died

He was definitely really old. I suspect the government had to kill him when they realized he was going to reveal how it used secret geo-weaponry to cause the earthquake in Haiti.

Haiti something something

Not that I believe that. As with most conspiracy theories, the truth is all the more horrid. 200,000 are dead in Haiti and the US has decided that's a good excuse to occupy the country. Hey guys, you're monsters.

Book club

Not done yet! I guess it's only been two months since we started reading The Sound and the Fury by William Faulkner. That's fine. Nobel award winner, mustachioed adulterer, cranky old man.

I've been reading his letters to the editor, essays, and the like. On the one hand, he seems to hate cars and fear that racial violence will reflect poorly on his beloved Mississippi. On the other, he supports the civil rights movement and went on the record opposing Franco during the Spanish Civil War. And his stories are pretty neat.

Dirty dishes, don't despair

Oh dirty dishes, don't despair,
I love you with my heart and hair.
If I may inquire,
What is your desire:
A wash and scrub?
Some bleach, some love?
How it's ever so rare
to find a platter that cares,
Oh no dirty dishes, don't despair.

Sound, y Fury

2010-01-02T18:53:00.004-05:00

Finished this famous novel. Once I was in a book club that met regularly to discuss this work but internal strife and intrigue tore it apart. If the bickering and backstabbing - literal backstabbing - hadn't brought about its downfall, it would have collapsed on its own contradictions. No I don't mourn the passing of the book club. I don't mourn Elizabeth's untimely passing, even though I held her in my arms as the blood left her heart through the stab wound in her back and watched the light leave her eyes. Did she whisper my name as she died? I like to think that she did but actually she said, "I feel jes like a squinch owl inside." It sure was a weird book club.

Best of 2010

2010-01-02T18:12:00.002-05:00

Everyone got their laughs putting up Top 10's - or 16's - for 2009. I couldn't help but notice (a) that they were composed entirely of music albums and (b) that they dwelled on the past. Here's to the future!

5. New haircut. I got a new haircut. I'm going to look awesome this year.

4. New places. Might move.

3. New friends. Ha! Just joking. You guys rule.

2. New Guilty Pleasures. Album. Drops soon, right Wiley?

1. New socks. Holy shit I need new socks. Please tell me I get to have new socks this year.

2010 sure is looking bright! I resolve not to piss most of it away. If I can help it.

Hook for my hot new rap song

2009-12-09T04:02:00.002-05:00

It called Shell Gas station on RT 153 - m4w - 44 (Harford Co.):

You ask me what my name.
while I was leave the store.
You pass me on 95 Highway with a smile.
Would love to hear from you.

Second Glance

2009-12-07T14:10:00.002-05:00

You know what I like about Washington Post Magazine's "Second Glance" puzzles? They allow a major newspaper to openly brag about how much they could seriously doctor their images if they felt like it.

Sound, Fury, etc., Part I

2009-12-01T10:19:00.003-05:00

Just finished Part I of this famous novel.

It follows the adventures of a time traveling retard through the marshes and pastures of a distant planet full of "bright shapes" and "dead flowers."

Don't worry Annie I'm bringing my A game to our next (first) Book Club meeting. And some tequila.

to be continued

Next stop Mongolia

2009-11-27T07:21:00.005-05:00

For a while I didn't have a suitable contingency to my Plan. I think I spit out something about drinking a bunch, predictably. Well here's some shit: if things don't work out, I'm going to Mongolia. There. There it is.

I like this new idea so much, in fact, that I may not even send out grad school applications - saying, naturally, that I did - and come August I'm going to tell everyone, perversely, that I got in and I'm off to Academe. (I'll probably choose one of the more unlikely schools: MIT, Stanford...)

I know that recently a good idea was floated about getting a big house with all our friends, raising chickens and playing music, a lovely idea to be sure. But if that house isn't in fucking Mongolia I'm not going to be living in it.

Don't you want Romance?

2009-11-23T02:17:00.003-05:00

People had told me about Lady Gaga, but I didn't listen. You have to hear me. It would be perfectly acceptable if this was the only thing you listen to ever again.

Quote of the day

2009-11-21T13:33:00.003-05:00

"Hemingway makes Rory look like a tame little mouse..." Billy

There's been some very penetrating literary discussion around the blogs recently. I haven't been keeping up on my reading, partly because I'm illiterate, partly because I'm often too drunk to read (or am asleep).

Annie and I are in a Book Club now and will be reading the Sound and the Fury, not necessarily in that order. I can't wait! I hope it doesn't have too much sex in it!

best-of-craigslist

2009-11-20T02:42:00.003-05:00

Updated!!

One day I'll make it on here. But I haven't posted anything to Craigslist yet besides some really depressing ads for shit like mulching and landscaping. Oh! Which I do quite well! Oh. But it's too late in the season.

Anyway, I'm really pleased with the handful of new posts nominated to the best-of. Hard to say, but "Missed connection with the person who smashed my windshield," "me: intellectually/sexually frustrated; you: unsexy barista - w4m," and "need someone to sit on lap," I found particularly poignant.

I want to respond to these people with some simple and knowing kudos, but I'd feel weird. And the only one nearby is from Baltimore, the charmlessly all-caps "I GOT SOMEONES DEAD GRANDMOTHER IN URN." It's pretty fucked up. If you're someone I care about, please don't make contact with this person.

The Search

2009-11-20T00:23:00.005-05:00

I've visited two schools so far: George Mason U, and University of Del.

At both places I initially met someone with an odd name: Tal at GMU, an older British fellow; and Gaby (pron. Gobby) at UD. Could also have been Tel, I have no idea. He showed me and another prospective student around campus, used his wry British wit to describe various buildings and facilities, talked about opera, and told us who George Mason was. I forget who he was.

Gaby (pron. Gobby) is interested in something something and "microparameters," which are interesting but let's not get into it. She showed me Dr. Heinz, a cool dude, and Dr. Bruening, who I did not like, though he was the only syntax guy there. Everyone, by the way, looked very different from their photos on the department's web site. Did I look at these photos to see if there were any hot grad students? Yes I did. That worked out nicely - it was the professors whose photos were deceitful.

In his photo, Bruening looks tall and handsome, up close he looks small and nervous. Heinz's photo portrays a short, plump, nerd, and in person he is tall and attractive, self-assured. Gobby looked a bit more shriveled and old than her photo, but she had on the same huge glasses.

The girl that showed me the child language labs was short and pretty, with bewilderingly giant brown eyes. I decided not to put the moves on her in the creepy "habituation" lab after she mentioned her "boyfriend." Oh! you coquettish developmental linguist.

Let's not forget my pizza party with the grad students! No, let's forget it.

-

Some lessons. It's awkward visiting these places. People seem to think it very unusual and I can see in their eyes they suspect something. Why? Why can't a guy visit a school?

Also, when you tell a person you're interested in syntax* (a perfectly reasonable thing to be interested in, as a linguist) - EVEN IF YOU'RE TELLING SOMEONE WHO DOES SYNTAX - they look at you like you're a fucking Martian. I'm pretty sure the study of syntax is the only reason linguistics is still relevant. If people could keep making up whatever they wanted about the structure of language, as they did before the 1950's, the field would be so wide open as to be quite desolate. Creativity flourishes under constraints - a lesson, in fact, from syntax.

It's a shame I didn't get to go over that sort of thing at University of Delaware, since I'm actually kind of excited about their program.

-

Bruening, being short and nervous - and rather young - tried to assail me with his intellect. Smart guy, but an asshole.

Heinz is a phonologist (pronounced funologist - he studies fun ... and speech sounds). As is the case with other phonologists I've met, he's a genius. He was much more agreeable.

(Chomsky, more or less, started out as a phonologist. Well, first as an anarchist.)

Gaby (pron. Gobby) discouraged me from applying - indirectly - as the department receives very little funding, and, as she told me, "there are very few syntax jobs." NO SHIT GOBBY, although I get plenty of time to think about grammar while I'm washing dishes.

Well at least she was honest. I still haven't heard back from my alma mater.

-

* Sorry for the jargon, syntax = grammar, basically.

2009-11-16T16:44:00.002-05:00

My online presence has recently been characterized by an effusion of exclamation points. It's embarrassing. Please discard any recent messages from me containing one or more of these awful things. Thank you.

Of things manly

2009-11-15T18:35:00.002-05:00

My dad and I did some pretty manly things today:

- Cut up a big tree with a chainsaw, fuck yeah!
- Chopped wood!
- Drove a pickup truck!

Tomorrow I go to the landfill, a place that is AWESOME.

Fuck yeah!

The World

2009-11-10T00:45:00.003-05:00

Guess what, World. You left me for dead back there, but a latent will to live spurred me on, and it looks like I'm not going to have to commit hari kari just yet. I am referring, of course, to the Plan:

Phase One: Called and e-mailed every grad school within 200 miles (well, that has a linguistics program). Naturally, the ones that were most receptive to me are the furthest away: George Mason, UVA, and U of Delaware. "Delaware???" you gasp? Pretty good program from the looks of things. I suppose this part of the plan is just going to have to be a process, as there's still plenty of bullshit ahead. But I'm going to just very lightly in parentheses jot down "(success)" next to Phase One.

Phase Two: Looks like I'm washing dishes. $9/hr. Nice fellow hired me, no application. Now we'll just see about keeping the job, but I think we're on the right track here.

Contingency? Nope! I'm sober as a goose, my chemicals seem to be balanced, and I might even start being nice to people. It's fucked up!!

Candy

2009-11-09T21:41:00.003-05:00

From the Arabic...

Etymology: Middle English sugre candy, part translation of Middle French sucre candi, from Old French sucre sugar plus Arabic qandi candied, from qand crystallized sugar!

The word was born in the 1400s, but the thing - the thing - is eternal.

Candy

2009-11-09T21:38:00.001-05:00

I was thinking today. I rarely take candy, but when I do, it's almost always from strangers.

Sacco and Vanzetti

2009-11-09T00:26:00.003-05:00

Good lookin guys!

Chronicle of My Failures: The Big Day

2009-11-08T19:35:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow is the big day. I have promised to fail as a member of society, and even made a plan to do so, but I can't fail if I don't try. So tomorrow I'm getting up early and initiating the Plan. Usually when I'm determined to do this, I end up sleeping all day. Let's see what happens!

First, call the grad schools. Success here is the most desirable outcome, that's why it's first. I went to UMD, graduated, and feel like they at least owe me an apology for not telling me I should've applied to grad schools then, or at least warned me that "linguistics jobs" don't exist. So they get the first phone call and possibly several e-mails. I'm going to have to wave a wand to make a writing sample appear, I won't be getting any recommendations, and I'm definitely not taking the GREs. It's going to be hard to convey these things to these serious people, but I have a good feeling about it.

There are several other area schools I'll be contacting. At the bottom of the list is Gallaudet, the oldest liberal arts institution for deaf people. It's at the bottom of the list, not because I'm "audist," but because I don't know sign language so I'm not sure if this is a reasonable option. But I wrote some articles long ago that some of the students seemed to like, so maybe I'm in.

After this slog through phone calls and e-mails and disappointments of varying intensity, I'll try and find a job. I have four candidates from the want ads:

1. Server / dishwasher
2. Cashier
3. Bank teller (P/T)
4. Secretary

Cool, they don't require resumes and I can just charm them over the phone with my euphonious voice, hurtling the application process and landing myself square in front of a cash register / sink / etc. They won't know what hit them!

Marx and Lincoln

2009-11-07T19:51:00.005-05:00

Puttering around at marxists.org I found a couple of official letters from the International Workingmen's Association, one to President Lincoln upon his reelection, the other to his successor upon his assassination.

The IWMA was the First International, largely steered by Karl Marx from its founding in 1864 until it moved to New York (mostly marking its decease) in 1872. The two letters are remarkable for their praise for the U.S. and the two presidents they're addressed to, considering Marx himself seems to have penned them.

To Lincoln, upon his reelection after the Civil War:

The workingmen of Europe feel sure that, as the American War of Independence initiated a new era of ascendancy for the middle class, so the American Antislavery War will do for the working classes. They consider it an earnest of the epoch to come that it fell to the lot of Abraham Lincoln, the single-minded son of the working class, to lead his country through the matchless struggle for the rescue of an enchained race and the reconstruction of a social world.

Did they really think that? It seems so optimistic to think that the end of slavery would "initiate a new era of ascendancy for the working classes!" And I like Lincoln well enough, but "single-minded son of the working class?" Hard to swallow.

Marx, we presume, was even so moved by Lincoln's murder, which he calls an "infamy," that he wrote a letter to the succeeding president, Andrew Johnson. Among other things, here is his elegy for Abe:

[H]e was a man, neither to be browbeaten by adversity, nor intoxicated by success, inflexibly pressing on to his great goal, never compromising it by blind haste, slowly maturing his steps, never retracing them, carried away by no surge of popular favour, disheartened by no slackening of the popular pulse, tempering stern acts by the gleams of a kind heart, illuminating scenes dark with passion by the smile of humour, doing his titanic work as humbly and homely as Heaven-born rulers do little things with the grandiloquence of pomp and state; in one word, one of the rare men who succeed in becoming great, without ceasing to be good. Such, indeed, was the modesty of this great and good man, that the world only discovered him a hero after he had fallen a martyr.

What! I thought we were just sort of supposed to revile our heads of state. Oh well. And again to President Johnson, who gets to share with Lincoln the dubious title "man of labour":

Yours, Sir, has become the task to uproot by the law what has been felled by the sword, to preside over the arduous work of political reconstruction and social regeneration. A profound sense of your great mission will save you from any compromise with stern duties. You will never forget that to initiate the new era of the emancipation of labour, the American people devolved the responsibilities of leadership upon two men of labour--the one Abraham Lincoln, the other Andrew Johnson.

Again, "the new era of the emancipation of labour." Great writer, old Karl. Some of that is so well-written it's nearly impossible to understand.

It's really worth cruising through random parts of the marxists.org archives for stuff like this. Among other gems, I've amused myself with "Marx and Engels' Early Literary Experiments," here - it's a boost to laugh at their early poetry and short stories, and a reassurance that they went on to be such awesome dudes.

The Plan

2009-11-07T11:17:00.005-05:00

In my first post, if you care, it seems I promised a more biographical element to my Blog. I've been avoiding that, perhaps. But now it's down to it - I've run out of work, and reading mystery novels doesn't seem to produce a paycheck. So, on Monday, I'm gonna put on my good shoes and thrust myself into society. The plan is twofold.

One: call grad schools. Beg them to take me. I have a full-on degree, I should be able to get into a fucking graduate program. Arsenii tells me in Belarus they call your college degree your "life boat." Well, I've been saying I don't have one on job applications - it seems to be more like cement boots. But my understanding is that advanced programs actually want you to have a Bachelor's before applying. So, can't lose?

Two: job. Shit job. Anything. Except I don't have any references, I have a terrible work history, and I refuse to fill out an application or write a resume. I don't hold out a lot of hope for this phase of the plan.

Contingency: savings. I have these. I am going to spend them on booze until they run out then I'm going to jump off of something very tall.

I'm happy to take bets on the Plan or its separate components.

Lawn is crying?

2009-11-06T18:56:00.001-05:00

A poem from craigslist:

"Lawn is Crying Help I am cover with leaves? (MD/DC/VA)"

Is the lawn cover with leasves?

The lawn needs a little cutting?

The brushes are running wild and needs to be trimmed?

Beds need to be cleared?

All you landscaping needs can be done with us.

My new friend

2009-11-03T03:24:00.004-05:00

Oh, it's almost four in the morning? All hours, meet my new friend:

SODA!!

Garnish support

2009-11-03T02:43:00.004-05:00

Here's a new one. I'm not sure if it's a malapropism or an eggcorn:

"...the Democratic candidate for mayor is making an appeal along racial lines to garnish support..." The Capital

If you don't agree with me that it should be garner support, you are in a serious minority, viz 4,610 hits for "garnish," 214,000 for the real one. But there it is, right in the Capital's big lede. Not that I care, naturally, but click that link and see what marginal company our fancy hometown paper is keeping with its word choice.

Anyway, the interesting question is really whether it's a malapropism or an eggcorn. You're right to be confused about these. I only know about "eggcorns" from reading something called Language Log, where the term was coined. It's sometimes pretty interesting, sometimes very boring. Their ongoing fascination with eggcorns goes on here, but also check out this, their fine taste in comics.

The difference between our two new vocabulary words seems to be that eggcorns form a new sort of meaning relating to the old word or phrase, while malapropisms are just fuck ups. Those links'll take you to the examples, and of course scroll down a skosh for my first post on my roommate Kristen's gibberish.

Got me thinking about spoonerisms, too. Hilarious. And this caught my eye: Rickyisms!

And remember, if your malapropism doesn't go away after four hours, call a doctor.

My roommate Kristen

2009-11-02T01:46:00.004-05:00

I'm afraid to go downstairs a lot of the time because if Kristen is down there she'll corner me and start talking to me. She'll talk to me while I fix a whole meal and continue as I eat it. Grant me the serenity not to stab her to death next time she does this.

And what does she talk about? I don't know. I don't listen. Every ounce of energy I have goes into NOT hearing what she's saying. I am however somewhat aware that she is so desperate to make noise in front of another person that she'll choose most any subject to babble about so that she doesn't have to stop talking.

Okay, a little gets through. Especially when she switches words around, uses them wrong, or just makes them up.

"She was old, you know, kind of weird...a little dimensional."

"They know that it can't 'pass the mustard,' so to speak."

(Literally talking about finding someone to walk her dog) "I'd have to find someone to walk my dog, so to speak."

Some notes: "trunicating" Entirely made up word. Use of "inhibit" as its opposite. Free use of "proficient" to mean almost anything. I'll try and write some instances down. Okay goodnight.

Halloween!

2009-11-01T19:02:00.000-05:00

Let's just say I didn't have to dress up as a monster.

Homonyms!

2009-10-31T18:10:00.005-04:00

Alright, the last round saw a tie between "Annie" and "Sterling," two of my blondest friends. You'll recall the clues:

Altercation between rodents?
Problem with teaching stupid kids?
Treat's ability?
Door to a squirrel's abode?
Spooky bird's nest?

Their answers (Annie/Sterling):

rat spat / mice mess
idiots shitiots / fool foul
nice rice / dessert desert
nest / port hole's portals
scary aerie / an armpit!!!!!

The right answers:

Squirrels' quarrel
(or Mouse grouse)
Students too dense
Snack's knack
Entry in tree
Eerie aerie

Thanks for playing!

RoboCop

2009-10-28T11:39:00.004-04:00

Not that I care, but has anyone ever noticed how sweet and effeminate RoboCop's lips are? Behind that hard chrome exterior there's little pieces of a little boy with a nice, pretty mouth.

Daddy Ash

2009-10-27T15:24:00.003-04:00

Brendan Ash's blog is slowly charming me to death. Everyone makes fun of him because he's so old, but really I just wish there was more time to get to know him before he dies. Ditch those Belle and Sebastian losers and come to Annapolis, buddy!

Detective novels

2009-10-26T13:36:00.004-04:00

He was supposed to be enjoying his vacation, but apparently retired private investigator Dick Jonathan's reputation preceded him...And so did notorious armed goon Roonie Mulane!

The cashier at Best Buy had asked hardnosed crimesolver Norton Tendicks if he wanted to buy a warranty. But he didn't want insurance...he wanted answers!

Hired thugs and a kilogram of bad cocaine were all private eye Tim Dickman needed to find waiting in his office on the day his last paycheck bounced!

Ace Ventura, pet detective...!

Private investigator Ginnie Dicks wouldn't really have described herself as oversexed...Until she saw herself in a snuff film and had to fuck her way to the truth!

Evicted, shot in the face, freshly divorced...But why did notary public Alvaro Penis get the feeling something wasn't quite right?

When hard-drinking public defender Schlong Fergusson lost his most recent death case, he thought the mystery was solved...But one thing still bothered him: who drank all his booze?

Yesterday

2009-10-25T00:05:00.000-04:00

I woke up crying. Isn't that weird?

The homonym game

2009-10-24T14:32:00.002-04:00

Most of you know this game. You get a clue and the answer is a set of homonyms. Here are some bad examples:

The entire emptiness? Whole hole.
The only being? Sole soul.

The relationship between the clue and the answer is sometimes like the one you roll your eyes at when you're doing a crossword puzzle. So the answer isn't always exactly synonymous with the clue. I also like answers that aren't strict homonyms, or they're a stretch, literally. More bad examples:

Arborial snack? Tree treat.
Soda for a tree? Oak Coke.

Onto the game!

Altercation between rodents?
Problem with teaching stupid kids?
Treat's ability?
Door to a squirrel's abode?
Spooky bird's nest?

My weight problem

2009-10-23T18:27:00.005-04:00

I've spent a long time cultivating a good, unhealthy body image. This is important as sometimes it makes me reconsider making bad choices. I mean, not like I'm going to quit smoking or drinking until I puke anytime soon. Even though sometimes I shake in the morning. And although recent reports describe me as "mean" when I'm drunk, I was blacked out for the episodes in question, which nullifies them.

But anyway, I have a weight problem. Not the regular kind. I set out about two months ago to gain weight, and instead it has plummeted. For a little while I was watching the scale tick up, ever so slowly, but those pounds have vanished and they've taken some others with them. Here's the chart:

No, I didn't lose a limb there in that last part. Is it cancer? Do I need to drink more? I'm not a doctor but there is a strong case to be made, based on the chart, that I'm going to disappear sometime in November!

Craigslist

2009-10-22T06:12:00.004-04:00

Best-of-craigslist is really good right now. It's my goal to end up on there one day. Or in the missed connections, which I read diligently. Also, casual encounters is fascinating. (What is a "foot slave"?!?!) It's worth it, read this shit.

Sometimes I go on there and read the jokes and haikus, too. But mostly I am on craigslist looking for a fucking job because I am going to die if I don't get one.

The maths

2009-10-21T19:08:00.003-04:00

I've never seen this before. Not only does The Economist freely use the silly word "maths," but they go right ahead and consider it singular.

"The maths is still daunting." article

"Their maths was dodgy..." article

Maybe it's a British thing? Further - and I'm not very good at this - Google turns up tons of entries for "maths is" and "maths was," while results for "maths are" seem to be strictly limited to cases like "Students struggling with maths are going to be put to death." (Okay, not a real example, but fuck it, do the search yourself.)

Not like I care, just strikes me as something I wouldn't find myself saying. Are there any analogous cases of bizarro opposite nouns?

Wheatus

2009-10-21T13:30:00.005-04:00

"Teenage Dirtbag" is dead fucking on. Whenever you're feeling lonely, just put on some Iron Maiden. Metal has certainly gotten me through some rough patches. I want to share that feeling. There's probably a case to be made that heavy metal expressed (and continues to) the alienation of society's youth. The music's inherent violence is even a reflection, and often a condemnation, of the violence committed by our official institutions. Iron Maiden would often connect satanism to war, albeit obliquely for the most part. More down to earth is "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. So what if they were minion of hades, they knew where true violence comes from. And why be anything but antisocial towards a society that's given up on you before birth?

Oh yeah, here's the song. Expect a fantastic cover of it up shortly.

Several things to note: the singer is wearing a hat I used to wear. Got it in South Carolina, looked like a real jerk in it. But the fucking sun was killing me. The percussionist is playing a banana. "Her boyfriend's a dick/he brings a gun to school..." That's hilarious. "Gun" is bleeped in the censored version. What movie does this video depict? I want to see it.

Eternal Hangover

2009-10-21T12:19:00.004-04:00

No reason. Just thought that sounded cool. I have what feels like the eternal hangover, but I imagine it's not really. Maybe it's pneumonia. I don't drink that much. Just a little something in the morning to cut the phlegm. Or whenever someone else is fixing the drinks. Might as well make me one, damn you!

Whenever certain situations arise that could even remotely be dealt with by "needing" "a drink":

a. long day
b. long car ride
c. high winds
d. high noon
e. sunshine
f. rain
g. weather
h. hungry
i. thirsty

Here is a good song: Len, "Steal My Sunshine". (Pictured above)

Nick Cave

2009-10-21T02:27:00.001-04:00

I want to be him.

Pizza

2009-10-20T22:54:00.000-04:00

I don't eat that shit anymore.

Welcome!

2009-10-20T22:36:00.001-04:00

If you've come here, you've entered a black hole. Are you ready to explore this horrid darkness, this unending sadness?

Great! Not that it matters. You can't escape a black hole. Fucking light can't even escape. Thor himself couldn't hammer his way out of this shit.

Here's the gist. If I don't figure out how to be a normal person ASAP, that's it for me. I'm gonna hop right off the event horizon. There was school, then more school, friends, lots of friends (they're still there, but I mean, they've all moved away so we patiently await their return). Jobs. Various jobs. Now there's not, and I don't know why.

So, at 26 I'm going to retrain myself to be a member of society. I expect our adventure to be largely comical, though the fallout from my failure might be otherwise. Along the way, we'll talk about books, movies, and the weird things people say with their mouths, and I expect us to have a good time. You'll need a bottle of whiskey and a hard heart to start, so strap on your space suit.