Homonyms!

Alright, the last round saw a tie between "Annie" and "Sterling," two of my blondest friends. You'll recall the clues:

Altercation between rodents?
Problem with teaching stupid kids?
Treat's ability?
Door to a squirrel's abode?
Spooky bird's nest?

Their answers (Annie/Sterling):

rat spat / mice mess
idiots shitiots / fool foul
nice rice / dessert desert
nest / port hole's portals
scary aerie / an armpit!!!!!

The right answers:

Squirrels' quarrel
(or Mouse grouse)
Students too dense
Snack's knack
Entry in tree
Eerie aerie

Thanks for playing!

RoboCop

Not that I care, but has anyone ever noticed how sweet and effeminate RoboCop's lips are? Behind that hard chrome exterior there's little pieces of a little boy with a nice, pretty mouth.

Daddy Ash

Brendan Ash's blog is slowly charming me to death. Everyone makes fun of him because he's so old, but really I just wish there was more time to get to know him before he dies. Ditch those Belle and Sebastian losers and come to Annapolis, buddy!

Detective novels

He was supposed to be enjoying his vacation, but apparently retired private investigator Dick Jonathan's reputation preceded him...And so did notorious armed goon Roonie Mulane!

The cashier at Best Buy had asked hardnosed crimesolver Norton Tendicks if he wanted to buy a warranty. But he didn't want insurance...he wanted answers!

Hired thugs and a kilogram of bad cocaine were all private eye Tim Dickman needed to find waiting in his office on the day his last paycheck bounced!

Ace Ventura, pet detective...!

Private investigator Ginnie Dicks wouldn't really have described herself as oversexed...Until she saw herself in a snuff film and had to fuck her way to the truth!

Evicted, shot in the face, freshly divorced...But why did notary public Alvaro Penis get the feeling something wasn't quite right?

When hard-drinking public defender Schlong Fergusson lost his most recent death case, he thought the mystery was solved...But one thing still bothered him: who drank all his booze?

Yesterday

I woke up crying. Isn't that weird?

The homonym game

Most of you know this game. You get a clue and the answer is a set of homonyms. Here are some bad examples:

The entire emptiness? Whole hole.
The only being? Sole soul.

The relationship between the clue and the answer is sometimes like the one you roll your eyes at when you're doing a crossword puzzle. So the answer isn't always exactly synonymous with the clue. I also like answers that aren't strict homonyms, or they're a stretch, literally. More bad examples:

Arborial snack? Tree treat.
Soda for a tree? Oak Coke.

Onto the game!

Altercation between rodents?
Problem with teaching stupid kids?
Treat's ability?
Door to a squirrel's abode?
Spooky bird's nest?

My weight problem

I've spent a long time cultivating a good, unhealthy body image. This is important as sometimes it makes me reconsider making bad choices. I mean, not like I'm going to quit smoking or drinking until I puke anytime soon. Even though sometimes I shake in the morning. And although recent reports describe me as "mean" when I'm drunk, I was blacked out for the episodes in question, which nullifies them.

But anyway, I have a weight problem. Not the regular kind. I set out about two months ago to gain weight, and instead it has plummeted. For a little while I was watching the scale tick up, ever so slowly, but those pounds have vanished and they've taken some others with them. Here's the chart:



No, I didn't lose a limb there in that last part. Is it cancer? Do I need to drink more? I'm not a doctor but there is a strong case to be made, based on the chart, that I'm going to disappear sometime in November!

Craigslist

Best-of-craigslist is really good right now. It's my goal to end up on there one day. Or in the missed connections, which I read diligently. Also, casual encounters is fascinating. (What is a "foot slave"?!?!) It's worth it, read this shit.

Sometimes I go on there and read the jokes and haikus, too. But mostly I am on craigslist looking for a fucking job because I am going to die if I don't get one.

The maths

I've never seen this before. Not only does The Economist freely use the silly word "maths," but they go right ahead and consider it singular.

"The maths is still daunting." article

"Their maths was dodgy..." article

Maybe it's a British thing? Further - and I'm not very good at this - Google turns up tons of entries for "maths is" and "maths was," while results for "maths are" seem to be strictly limited to cases like "Students struggling with maths are going to be put to death." (Okay, not a real example, but fuck it, do the search yourself.)

Not like I care, just strikes me as something I wouldn't find myself saying. Are there any analogous cases of bizarro opposite nouns?

Wheatus

"Teenage Dirtbag" is dead fucking on. Whenever you're feeling lonely, just put on some Iron Maiden. Metal has certainly gotten me through some rough patches. I want to share that feeling. There's probably a case to be made that heavy metal expressed (and continues to) the alienation of society's youth. The music's inherent violence is even a reflection, and often a condemnation, of the violence committed by our official institutions. Iron Maiden would often connect satanism to war, albeit obliquely for the most part. More down to earth is "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. So what if they were minion of hades, they knew where true violence comes from. And why be anything but antisocial towards a society that's given up on you before birth?

Oh yeah, here's the song. Expect a fantastic cover of it up shortly.



Several things to note: the singer is wearing a hat I used to wear. Got it in South Carolina, looked like a real jerk in it. But the fucking sun was killing me. The percussionist is playing a banana. "Her boyfriend's a dick/he brings a gun to school..." That's hilarious. "Gun" is bleeped in the censored version. What movie does this video depict? I want to see it.

Eternal Hangover

No reason. Just thought that sounded cool. I have what feels like the eternal hangover, but I imagine it's not really. Maybe it's pneumonia. I don't drink that much. Just a little something in the morning to cut the phlegm. Or whenever someone else is fixing the drinks. Might as well make me one, damn you!

Whenever certain situations arise that could even remotely be dealt with by "needing" "a drink":

a. long day
b. long car ride
c. high winds
d. high noon
e. sunshine
f. rain
g. weather
h. hungry
i. thirsty

Here is a good song: Len, "Steal My Sunshine". (Pictured above)

Nick Cave

I want to be him.

Pizza

I don't eat that shit anymore.

Welcome!

If you've come here, you've entered a black hole. Are you ready to explore this horrid darkness, this unending sadness?

Great! Not that it matters. You can't escape a black hole. Fucking light can't even escape. Thor himself couldn't hammer his way out of this shit.

Here's the gist. If I don't figure out how to be a normal person ASAP, that's it for me. I'm gonna hop right off the event horizon. There was school, then more school, friends, lots of friends (they're still there, but I mean, they've all moved away so we patiently await their return). Jobs. Various jobs. Now there's not, and I don't know why.

So, at 26 I'm going to retrain myself to be a member of society. I expect our adventure to be largely comical, though the fallout from my failure might be otherwise. Along the way, we'll talk about books, movies, and the weird things people say with their mouths, and I expect us to have a good time. You'll need a bottle of whiskey and a hard heart to start, so strap on your space suit.